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Friday, September 21st, 2001
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4:25 pm
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I just can't take it anymore. I have NOTHING to live for. I tried to hang on with every ounce of strength, and I have fallen, Hell shall welcome, the deed shall be done soon, They think they know, they know nothing, talking alone hasn't helped yet in 4 almost 5 years, and now they thing that one talk will make me want to stay on this God damn planet a moment longer?! It's disgusting. I left a note, directions on what to do after I have killed myself, they managed to find it before school, and now they aren't letting me go! I'm cornered in this house. every waking moment, more rage appears in my body, my muscles tense more, the scars and cuts all over my body burn, but my heart and my head hurt the worst, I just want to scream, But the voice in my head just reminds me, Only the weak cry out for help, You're not weak, you are strong, you must prove this. I know that this truly is not right, but I just can't go against it, it's as if my body is another Person, I am just watching. watching my life get eaten by the overwhelming stress of having to do so much for others. My life goal is to make others proud of me, I wonder how proud they'll be when I get up the nerve to end all, right before their goddamn eyes!? I'll bide my time, when they finally think They've cured me, They'll see. Or maybe I won't even wait, Maybe I'll just do it right now. . .end it before it gets worse. I can't handle this if it gets any worse. There's so much On my shoulders right now, and I just keep getting dug deeper into the ground by the weight of it all. I can only get out, by getting out of the world, removing myself from the picture entirely, I wonder how long it would take for people to forget about me? a month or two? it doesn't matter. This may be my last entry, and it may not. If it is, I'd like to thank livejournal for letting me use this program, and i'd like to thank the 3 of you who may actually read this. Godspeed
Lyon --
current mood:  pissed off
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| Wednesday, September 12th, 2001
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6:27 pm
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I identified the feeling I had during this 'Day that will never be forgotten' It's Jealosy. . .Thousands of people died, probably clinging onto life, And I live every day thinkin 'I want to die' . . .It's just some cruel joke. . .
current mood: irritated
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| Tuesday, September 11th, 2001
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4:33 pm
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Hummm, my entire view on the whole 'World War 3' thing is this: (as taken from a conversation I had with Brandon)
LY0NMAN: To be completely honest with you, I doubt this will be full out war. If it was, There would be so many Nukes launched the world would probably be destroyed before there'd be a winner. . .No matter how saphisticated our technology, people will probably already have things better then that. . .
well, there you have it, No matter how many anti-nukes we have, if one nuke is launched from either side, we'll all be gone. . .At least that's my prediction. . .And people are talking about how advanced these terrorists are, Well Jeez, Even I could tell you that if I were going to try to kill millions of people, I would have planted a bomb in the tower that when detonated released toxic fumes into the air so that the smoke from the explosion would carry it across the city, probably killing millions more. Heh, I guess the whole 'Let's use a cross contry jet so that there'll be more gas for the explosion' was pretty ingenious thinking, but . . .Whatever
My mom said I'm not her son, heh, She called me a monster yesterday. . .All the more reason for me to die : ) well. . .That about wraps up what I'm thinking right now. . .Later. . .
PS. I haven't had an ounce of fear in me yet about this whole thing, world destruction, Millions of death, not an ounce of sorrow or pity. Just the same old "Must Kill Self" drive I've had for a few years now
current mood:  pessimistic
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| Sunday, September 9th, 2001
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9:37 am - a perfect existance-- The ultimate Oximoron
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i don't know why I put the title like that, I guess It seemed somewhat funny. School Amplified the whole suicidal thought by 10 to 12 times. . .I can't stand life. It's so hard to lie to the people you care about most. . .But If I don't lie, they'll put me in the hospital again, and i WON'T go back there. . .
perhaps maybe it's cause I want to die so bad that I actually have no problem lying to people for them to leave me alone. One deep gash with a knife, one handful of pills, I can be gone. . .not having to worry about anything. I really need to find something to make me want to stay here, Unfortunantly she's dead and won't be coming back. So, now what?
current mood:  uncomfortable
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| Sunday, July 8th, 2001
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10:05 pm
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Well, perhaps this is the event I have been looking foward to, My parents said that if I can get a bunch of crap cleaned up, Then We can knock a wall down and extend my room into the room next to it. In essence, I'll end up having my own mini apartment. I'll have a mini-fridge, iron&Ironing board, microwave. . . a real batchlor pad. And, Once I get a job, I'll start paying rent, so that I actually have my own little room. Pretty sweet eh? Maybe 15 won't be as much of a pain in the ass as I thought it would be.
Lyon --
current mood:  contemplative
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| Thursday, July 5th, 2001
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5:58 pm
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With About 6 nights left till my birthday, I figured I would start making a couple of changes in my life. I actually Cleaned my room /gasp! I started drinking MORE cofee and MORE tea (Not like it really has anything to do with anything but /shrug) I checked my bank account, To see how much more I need to save for a car. Looked around at a few places, looked over Insurance and stuff, Apparently, it is NOT wise to get your dream car right away, (the insurance on it Can kill a whale!) so I am going ot try to find an old Caddy or something, Lincoln (I was born with a silver spoon. . .Unfortunantly it missed my mouth by a mile) So, I now decide I need a job, So i figure I'll try somewhere like the library, Or somewhere Not Burger-King 'ish'. . .The grease in the air causes acne :-P anyway, I would probably take a job at burger king as a last resort. Brandon, Where the hell are you?
Lyon --
current mood:  busy
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| Wednesday, June 20th, 2001
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4:16 pm
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Perhaps I am of a dying Breed But I Value Things Such as Honor, Loyalty, Truth, and Honesty above all else. ---
I tend to think about how reality could change, just by an instant. Such as, What if the tomb raider movie would have been full, We would perhaps have seen the movie at a later time, Avoided a large Group of Preppies(The lowest form of Life in My opinion) And Have had a much better time. However, If the movie would have been full, we might not have Cherished the few brief moments of silence before the theatre became filled with Creatures who's IQ barely exceed a whole Number.
Well, That time is gone. Far be it from me to try to change the past. --
I sit here now, Drinking a nice cup of Cofee and watching the news. Apparently, There is a girl who is 16, She is having an operation done on her ears because they 'Stick out too much and People make fun of her for it' I am utterly disgusted. From my point of view, her parents are paying money to fix a physical trait. Yet, i have a strange feeling that they have not donated anything to a cancer Society. They choose to fix their daughter's body in stead of donating to a company that actually has a chance at finding a cure for a life threatening disease. *Sigh* I don't Know anymore. Perhaps if the standard of society wasn't set so damn high by the people who will most likel be unable to find a job later in life because they were too busy trying to act Cool. . .I don't know what to say, My anger is to great right now to actually speak without babaling, So I shall end here
Lyon --
current mood: angry
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| Tuesday, May 22nd, 2001
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9:52 pm - Entry #9
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I have only recently realized, i depend on others all too much. I ask someone for help, and they refuse, I fell as if I was let down. That is because I have relied on them too often in the past. I will began to act as more of a loner. Those people I ask for help should be considered my friends, Those I don't Were the people I didn't help enough in the past and the like. . . I haven't found a true friend yet. A person I could tell anything to. Perhaps it is because I am not exactly willing to share thoughts and the like with people, But none the less, I would greatly appreciate true companionship. that is all for now.
Lyon --
current mood: depressed
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| Saturday, May 19th, 2001
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9:26 pm - Entry #8
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A smile actually Crept across my face today. i decided that I wanted to test the limits of this inperfect body. I took a knife, and slid it across my wrist,not once, or even twice, but it took three times to break the skin. I sit here now. The wound is not deep enough to make me die or even fall unconsious. However the pain is no where near what I expected it to be. I just wished to let all those that doubted my seriousness on this subject believe. This shall be my last entry for the day, Perhaps even my life. good day.
current mood:  blank
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3:06 pm - Entry #7 More to say. . .Can't be good
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In complete honesty, Sometimes talking to friends can be like pulling teeth. Nothing to really say, yet tehy have 2 years worth of stuff to say. All you can say is 'Uh-huh' 'yeah' 'I know' 'Alrighty' And stupid things like that.
Something Weird i thought about. I didn't plan on being here, yet here I am. It's like being in Limbo. One thing. . .I want to die, nothing to live for, No hope, but I am still here. I believe it is torture. Is there reason to live? People always tell me to look for a glimmer of hope, But what do you do when all you can see is the darkness and pain that blacken the soul, the very existence? My heart has grown to be as cold as iron from Under-use. I have nothing to look foward to at the end of the day except the engulfing darkness of night. I wish someone could relate how I feel. While all my friends lives began to get back on the ground, I still float in the air that is heavy with my own misery. I wish i knew what to do. I want to die. . .It's all I can say . . .I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die. . .
Lyon --
current mood:  indescribable
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11:48 am - Entry #6 A Start
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This morning, I woke up at 11:30, still tired but feeling a little bit refreshed. Anyway, Today is going to be boring, i am almost positive. I recieved a picture of Stephanie Late last night. That was alright. Well. . .Nothing to talk about. See everyone later.
Lyon --
current mood: depressed
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| Friday, May 18th, 2001
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11:28 pm - Entry #5 the second you get some guts. . .
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Tonight, I went to my Banquet for bowling. For the most part i laughed with some of my best friends since before kindergarden, Which, for anyone to put up with me for that long has to be considered a true friend. Anyway, after a while, Me, Greg, Heather, Sean, And Tara went outside to talk about diffrent shits, well, Greg was *Trying* to spill his guts to heather, (Who he likes a LOT) anyway, She, being a flirt for some reason, began playing games with his mind.
well, After that, I caught up to Heather who, If I haven't said it already, is the only link between me and Stephanie, The one I believe I truly love. I ( for about .25 seconds ) got a spine and told heather I still liked Stephanie, with an 'OH MY GOD' . . .well, you have to get the idea. So see ya'll later.
Lyon --
current mood: confused
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9:57 am - Entry #4 Hell will welcome me
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It has been said that those who commit suicide Go to hell. with no doubt, No purgatory, no Heaven, No nothing but the infinate Horror that is supposedly hell. Maggots eat at bodies while Swarms of deadly insects chew away at the flesh of the newly deceased. If this is my fate then so be it, My strength will allow me to survive, Not like I would have a chance anyway. hell will welcome me. Without a doubt.
Lyon --
current mood: blank
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| Thursday, May 17th, 2001
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12:01 pm - Entry 3
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Although Tired, I cannot rest, Although hungry, I cannot eat, Althought Thirsty, I cannot drink. What torture is this? To make me become weak because of the flaws of this accursed Body? Why must life always be cruel and punishing, I help those that I can, And attempt to help those that I can't, I try to be the best person possible, and I know realize that the best i can be, is not good enough to be allowed to live on this pathetic Rock we call Earth.
The start of a day sure to be a horrid one, begins with my Dog running away, At 8:30 in the morning i follow her down my street, The stupid creature looks at me defiantly for a solid minute and then runs toward me, Then past me, She turns and begins the staredown again.
After a few failed attempts at catching her, She in essence gave herself up. I did nothing to punish her, however my mom decided Physical punishment was necassary. the medicine i am on makes my Body feel Numb, tired, And sore. So I shall end now and return later to describe more about the Hell that is my life.
current mood: numb
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| Wednesday, May 16th, 2001
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8:32 pm - Entry 2
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Well, Now that the whole aquardness of the first entry has gone, I guess I can write freely now.
Today was Alright for the sole purpose that I had someone to share my misery with. Brandon, (One of my best friends, you'll hear about him often) Slept over last night. We did a bit of walking around during the day. Nothing really special. Did some talking, not about deep Stuff like suicide, just, life in general. In probably one of the most relaxing events ever, We sat outside, I Sketched some character pictures while he played his GameBoy.
After waiting a while, Anjelica and Vezilou(S.P?) showed up at my door. Brandon and I had ordered pizza and stuff so we all had some of that. then we started walking to Jersey Pride, (A small General store kind of place near my house) Of course, It being my life and all, we could not just go the simple way and get everything done quick, instead we had to travel around the world to get there. I should rephrase that seeing as how we never did really get there. . .Anyway, Brandon just, Walked off, so we followed. Anyway, We stayed in front of this guys house. I was standing, Just barely making contact with the car, and these two guys come storming outta there house saying "Does my F***ing Car LOOK like a F***ing Chair to you kid?" this is but a simple example of why I not only hate life, But loath most other people as well.
Well, My time has run out for now. Anyway, If anyone reads this. . .
Lyon --
current mood: sore
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8:11 pm - First entry
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Well, here it is. the first entry. your chance to see what a real-life suicidal is thinking. For starters. I hate my life. If I had One wish, I would wish for me, Mind, Body, Soul and everything, To disapear. Absolutely nothing of me remaining. The worst thing about life, in my opinion, is the fact that no matter How horrible, You remember all the wrong things you've done, or embarassing moments in your life. Even in the afterlife (Supposedly). In Any event. This is really just a test to see how this Livejournal thing works. (No I really didn't Want to make one, but my friend says it eases nerves so I figured I'd try it.
current mood: numb
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